just gestating...

Yesterday and today have been the kind of days you wait all winter for...about 40 degrees or so by 1 pm, bright sunny, blue skies and pleasant enough to be outside for an extended period of time without being concerned that one of your limbs may not function properly upon re-entry, due to freezing.

Today after a nice nap, i took up where Kevin left off and spent a chunk of time outside with Raelin. We went on a walk with the tricycle...you know, walked the tricycle. Occasionally she rode it or pushed it (it has a handle out the back) but mostly she ran along side it. In fact, she more or less jogged the entire way around the neighborhood, stopping every so often to pick up a handful of roadside gravel to dump in her basket on the back of the trike. The gravel was to add to the driveway rocks which are the primary ingredients for cakes and other goodies that we cook up with plastic sand shovels and mini pans and bowls. That was yesterday's activity, and let me tell you, there was nothing finer than basking in the sunshine in a wool sweater, a pleasant 43 or so degrees, making gravel cakes.

I've moved into yet another state of this pregnancy, and that is torpor. Ok, not rigid torpor, but i'm more or less moving slow and do my best to try and move slower. Raelin on the otherhand, mistakes my sluggish body for a climbing device and attempts to round off my shoulders, knees, belly, lap... whatever is closest. She has developed a move called "boinking" and another called "binking" and to the best of my deductive abilities, it involves throwing herself on either kevin or i while declaring that she is, indeed, boinking. Needless to say, i'm not too down with this. As my midwife Ellie pointed out, I am already mothering 2 children, it's just that one is on the inside, and already my relationship with raelin has had to change.

It makes me sad, to have to say no to her so much, to have to pull away from her need to by physcially *on* me all the time which i know is a natural response to me pulling away as I am less available to her in all the ways i used to be. She is less satisfied with reading a book, it's physical contact that she wants. I keep trying to tell her that once the baby is out and my belly is no longer a large obstacle I'll be able to do all these things again with her. But- will i? A friend of mine said that the last trimester is a natural separation in preparation for the increased demands of the mom once the baby is born. It will help Raelin to further accept those changes and my diverted attention. And that makes me even sadder- so this is it? Our one on one mama and child affair is coming to an end already? I am trying to soak up these last 10 weeks or so, even as I desperately need a break from her neediness. It's a bit of madness, really. My friend said that after her daughter was born, she and her husband spent an afternoon a few days later, crying together over the loss of their intense relationship with their older son. Oh man, I dont' wanna feel that. I suppose that it can be said that you don't lose the relationship, it just changes, but that's like saying that you and your spouse will get back your pre-baby relationship once things get into gear. And that's a crock of shit, so I imagine that Kevin and I too, will have our share of tears once the baby is born, for both the joy of an expanding family, and the loss of our little threesome.

But, enough about that. Back to the weather...being outside softens all the intensity. Raelin is absorbed in her outdoor play and the earth soaks up her energy, rather than it all pouring into and onto me. I've put our old windows up on two of our raised beds to help warm up the soil, and hopefully we can get some seeds in by the end of the month, and with any luck, be eating fresh greens from the garden when the baby is born. Back in the fall, i planted a few dozen bulbs. I remember thinking that when we start to see those first green shoots, we'll be looking out for the nutkin too. Seems so long ago, and yet just a few days back. With such a warm winter, I wonder if they'll be up early. Not hoping the baby will come early. It can cook as long as it pleases, but maybe we'll have a homegrown happy birthday bouquet when the time is right.