Friday, July 28, 2006

in another life...

The past few days, i have been missing my pre-kid life.

(ok- disclaimer: i adore my children, so glad i have them, do not regret having them. end disclaimer)

i didn't really miss my pre-kid life all that much when we just had Raelin. I think in the beginning it was so new and fresh and wow! we have a kid! that i only kinda thought about life before, i was too busy figuring out my new job as parent and enjoying it. as Raelin got older, i got more time away... was able to exercise again, eventually got a night away and by the time she was 2 and just before i got knocked up again, i was spending weekends away, partying, doing pole dancing lessons- you know, all the cool things even those w/o kids do.

there were several times when kevmo and i thought, you know, it would be so *easy* if we stopped now. Just one. We wouldn't have to move into a 3 bedroom house ever... our car would always more or less be big enough. We're through (most) of the toddler zaniness and life is getting easy again.

But of course, we weren't stopping. There was no question that we were going to have another one, and i was more than ready to be pregnant again. Damn female hormones! They are ruthless...

And you might recall a few posts ago after Liam was born and I was all high on my babymoon about how i thought that having 2 was really not that hard at all... in fact, much easier than making the transition to 1. Ok, i stand by the stuff about how it's easier to not be making the transition to parent again. This is true. But now that the babymoon is over?

This shit is hard.

here's what i would like (and thus you can assume that the inverse of these things is not happening):

-to use the bathroom uninterrupted, and w/o a child in my lap, or asking me incessant questions.

-to have a conversation on the phone that is uninterrupted by either endless requests for me to get off the phone, or baby crying.

-to have both the memory to remember the basic phone calls i need to make and the time in the day to make them.

-to be able to complete a task. any task- folding laundry (that means folding the clothes and having them *stay folded* and make it to drawers), dishes, fixing food, brushing my teeth, putting away groceries, etc... you name it.

-to have more than a few times a day when i am not carrying another person, or juggling 2 of them.


-getting a beer outside of my own house, watching a movie on a screen larger than our laptop, listening to music other than Raffi, Brent Holmes, or MotherSong.

Shall I go on?

You'll notice that many of these things are the result of having a 3 yo, and this is true, but at the same time, i'm juggling all of Liam's needs- to eat, be rocked, walked, carried, smiled and talked to, changed etc...

Having 2 kids is kicking my ass!! I vaccillate between being irritated, exhausted, frustrated, irritated, guilty and back again all day long.

(yes, i know i'm venting and complaining, and it's my blog and i'll whine if i want to)

Of course, spiced through out all of this are the heart-melting moments that make me feel like shit for counting down the days until pre-school starts. Poor Raelin used to have a fun, happy, energtic mommy. Now she has a mommy who is constantly counting to 10 in her brain and using endless coping mechanisms to hold back from saying,
"shut the fuck up!!"

i'm being brutally honest. i just need to get it out. I'm worked, and i have no excuses- i have an angel for a mom who takes my daughter whenever i ask, a husband who works from home who frequently takes breaks to give me a break and then stays up late to finish his work. None of my friends have that; i feel pretty damn lucky. I also feel pretty scared to think of what my mental state would be if i didn't have these things. On my mommy-boards i frequently read about moms who have 0 support, husbands who work away from the house up to 10 hours or more a day... it humbles me, to be honest.

I know things will get easier. I gotta follow the light... like tonight when kevin was holding Liam and Raelin was playing with little bits of scrap wood building a "yark" ? (dont' ask). I was making dinner... and watching them. Liam was *entranced* by Raelin and watching her so intently, occasionally smiling and laughing. It was this great moment where i could see their relationship developing and envision where its' going to go; a golden moment where i connected with why we have 2 kids.

I know a lot of people think i'm a great mom and have lots of patience and really love being at home with my kids. And i do, this is all true. But it's important for me sometimes to vent and sometimes say "this sucks." Better to liberate it online that simmmer throughout the day.

Ok, confession over.


Blogger e said...

if it's any consolation, you're still my hero.

6:44 AM  
Blogger Bartlebee said...

and my hero, too.
and your blog makes me laugh out loud. i liked the "finish a task. any task" part. (is it rude to laugh at your obvious struggles and pain? let me update my blog and you can laugh right back at me.)

11:43 AM  
Blogger Megan said...

Hi there! I don't know you at all, but I followed your link in your MDC siggy to this blog . . . and now I am addicted! I have been reading through old entries as well as the new ones and I just want you to know I am loving it. Please keep writing! You are awesome!

1:26 PM  
Blogger Kaynoch said...

You are not alone! I know exactly how you feel, I’m constantly struggling with inner guilt. I know I should be enjoying my children (and I do, but less then half the time), yet I’m so overwhelmed with meeting their needs (physical, spiritual and emotional). Having a nearly 1 year old and nearly 3 year old is HARD! So next summer could potentially be even harder for you!!! (sorry). It does help to put it all into perspective...I do feel extremely lucky...sometimes I think I need to give myself a break and stop playing super mom all the time. Some time off would certainly make me appreciate my kids more.

11:03 AM  

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