Sunday, February 27, 2005

edited to add..*

kevin is a wonderful, supportive and fabulous father and husband. Despite the fact that he gets to go snowboarding, he also: (in no specific order) does the lion's share of the laundry, gets up early with Raelin so I can either sleep in or motivate to go to those laps, cleans up after dinner, does the fighting task of washing Raelin's hair, works like a dog so I can be a happy-go-lucky stay at home mom :) (no sarcasm intended, honestly. maybe not as much happy-go at this stage in the winter, but ususally this is the case), and in general is impossibly silly and keeps me and Raelin laughing. he does a lot of other things to, but those things are none of your business.

*this was a voluntary edit. i was not coerced ;)

Grab your summit pack, kids... we're going for the peak

It's blowing like crazy outside. When a big gust rattles our north facing windows (a brilliant addition to the house, I think) Jasmine looks up at me nervously. I don't blame her. I asked my stepfather how hard the winds would have to be blowing for them to bust. He gave me an answer in terms of wind in knots which immediate turned off my brain, but I understood it be a pretty remote possibility. But still...

So, I haven't written much recently. My last blog was actually from someone else's life, but it was too damn funny to pass up. There haven't been too many funny things in my own life to write about. Well, Raelin is funny, but you have to be here. It's in the facial expressions and the unique toddler speak that cannot be duplicated for a distant laugh. But, you are welcome to come visit. In fact, please, do come visit. I'm done with winter, but winter is not done with me and so I need a good distraction.

yes, it's that time of year again when the long list of why I like winter has been edited to a rather short list and even the things on that list are losing their qualifications. For example, I always say that one of the best things about winter in Maine is that it is actually sunny a lot. We have these brilliant blue skies and bright sun that make you want to camp out all day on the lawn. But, there is no lawn - just snow blowing around in clouds like tumbleweeds in the desert. Kind of rules out a picnic. And I have written before that I love to be outside in the winter, snowshoeing and the like, but I'd rather do those things with my feet on the ground, not being blown across the golf course, you know? I mean, part of the point is for some exercise and it would be cheating if I allowed the wind to do it for me. Oh, and I have a toddler who I usually have to tote along on my back and that cuts the enticement factor of the whole business by about 98%. Of course, this is in February, manymanymanymanymanymany days into winter when the novelty has been scoured off by....oh yeah, wind.

But, on the bright side, we do get some nice sunshine through the non- North facing windows and that makes it pretty inside and gives Reggie some good places to nap, though it does leave him wide open for ambush by Raelin.

yeah, I don't know. This time of winter just wrings you out. You'll read the opposite in my husband's blog who is ga-ga over his new snowboard and wants winter to last as long as possible. Here's something funny that you moms in the audience will appreciate: why is it that when I have "free" time away from Raelin, I go grocery shopping or return the video, or maybe drag my butt to the Y to hammer out some laps at 8am. But when Kevin has time off, he goes snowboarding? or bike riding or surfing (depending on the season, of course)? Those who are about to argue that I could do that too can fuck off. Become a mother, and then tell me that. I don't want to hear it.

So, back to winter. It's like being at the bottom of a big ass hill. The end of February is being at the bottom of the hill. Climbing the hill (into a headwind) is March. April is just before you crest when you hit false peak after false peak. May is the top when you actually reach the glorious view and truly see spring and, wait, is that? could it be? Summer!!! unfolding in the distance. Its out there, it really is. The lawn is back and at least where we live, the wind which has now become our best friend, manages to keep the black flies and mosquitoes at bay. But, it doesn't matter because we are just so excited to be sweating from the simple exertion of breathing in summer heat.

The thing that kills me about all this is that honestly, I do like and appreciate winter. It's a like/hate thing with a healthy dose of respect and tolerance mixed in. Winter makes you dig. Not just out of your driveway, but dig in and deal- deal with the fact that you can't go picnic or walk on the beach (without a spacesuit) or snowshoe without the possibility of taking off. It makes me crabby, but it also gives me an edge, a bit of depth. Life was so easy and la-la when we lived in Santa Cruz. I never, and I do mean never, paid attention to the weather report because, how bad could it be? It was such a care-free life. And no offense to the Santa Cruzians who are reading this. I love that town and its weather, but I need to find some meaning in winter right now, if you get my drift.

yeah, winter is not for the feint of heart. Being that I'm not really backpacking or sumitting anything other than Beach Hill these days it gives me that adventurous feeling- you know, glad you're out there even though so many things suck and all you can think about is being back home? And, if nothing else, it gives me a reason to be melodramatic and feel good about myself when I finally crest the hill and look back and what i've been through. I made it! it sucked, but hey, we had fun and really, it wasn't all that bad. Spring has arrived and it's all down hill from here.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

I can't wait for this...

This was posted on the online mommy boards that I frequent more than I should. It was actually copied from the poster's friend's blog.

This is why we have children.

(M= mom
R= 7 year old daughter
J= 4 year old son)

R: Umm, you know how you said the guy has the sperm and the girl has the egg?

M: Yes

R: Well, and umm..the guy had a penis and the girl a gina?

M: Vagina, yes

J: I have a penis because I’m a BOY! (Here he pulls he pants down to prove it.)

M: Jarod, dinner isn’t exactly the best time to remove clothing.

J: But I have a penis

M: We all know, thank you.

R: Jarod, I’m trying to talk. Go wash your hands. You can’t eat after you touch your penis.

J: I didn’t PEE, I just showed it a little.

R: There’s still germs

J: No, germs are in the pee. MY penis is clean.

M: Okey dokey….lets just eat ok?

R: Well, I know that you told me one time that people sex and that’s how the sperm gets to the egg but umm…I was just wondering if you and daddy sex?

M: Yes

R: But you don’t want more babies right now, so why?

M: Ummm…well….because it’s also a connection that couples enjoy.

R: Does it feel good because in movies when people sex they look happy.

M; Aaaa….ummm…yes it can be very pleasurable.

R: Why?

M: Because our genitals have sensitive nerve endings that feel good when they are aroused is one reason.

R: Oh, well how many times do you sex?

M: Well, that’s kinda private.

R: Can I watch sometime?

J: I wanna watch you and daddy axe!

R: Not axe dummy, SEX. You want to watch them sex!

J: What’s sex?

R: It’s when the sperm tries to go to the egg and if the egg is there it makes a baby but if the egg is not there is comes out all bloody and mommy wears a big band aid in her panties.

J: I want to have an egg.

R: You can’t, you have the sperm. I have the egg.

J: I want the egg! I want the egg! Momma tell her I can have the egg.

M: Why do you want the egg?

J: I want the baby in my belly, like in your books.

M: Well, I don’t know what to tell you sweetie. Maybe when you’re older it will be possible.

J: Can I milk it to?

M: What?

J: My baby? Can I give it my milk?

M: Umm…suuure.

R: Mom? Sometimes at night I go to the bathroom and your door is closed and you have your music up really loud but I can still hear you making noises. Is that when you sex daddy.

M: Oh my god….

R: Yeah, sometimes I hear you say that when I’m in the bathroom.

M: :At loss for words:

J: Can I sex daddy too?

M: * Deep Breath* Ok, Rebecca daddy and I listen to music a lot while we do a lot of things…talk, read, play board games and stuff. It doesn't mean we are necessary having sex. And Jarod it’s not a good idea to have sex with someone you are related too. Now, who wants dessert? I think we should make ice cream.

R & J: Woohooo, I love ice cream!

Friday, February 04, 2005

This is not a Coincidence

I am gearing up for yet another endeavor... it what you will, I am at it again. People who know me well will not be surprised. I am always starting something. This is a big something. (and no, it's not another baby.)

but, it relates to babies.

When i was preganant with Raelin, we took a Birthing From Within childbirth education class. it was taught by a friend of ours, someone who I admire and see as one of those people who is a mentor-by-example. The class was great: alternative, artsy, challenging, insightful, and most of all, useful. I really used what I learned in labor, and returned to the postpartum reunion charged up and ready to sign on as an instructor.

well, fast forward a couple of years and I'm in the certification program. I have found many excuses to procrastinate in actually doing the homework and starting to teach. I started a different business (there i go again), have limited time without Raelin to work, developed a social life, etc.. etc... But like most things that are True, teaching these classes would not let go of me. I tried to shake it off. I don't have time. I would have to invest money we can't really spare. There are other people teaching classes. Excuse upon excuse. I finally acknowledged the tugging about a month ago and gave in. Fine! I'll do it!! I'll finish the damn program.

About the same time, I had put up an ad for my other business. Previously when I ran an ad in the same place, I got great results. I was sewing fairly regularly to keep up with orders. This time- nada. You would think the ad is invisible to everyone but me (as it pops up nearly everytime I log onto the bulletin boards where I have it running). So I found myself with the time I claimed I didn't have. Then I needed a space to teach the classes. Hmmm... I asked a friend who I thought might know a bit more about downtown spaces. In fact, she did (of course she did. can't you see where this is going?) Not only did she know of a space, it was a space that a friend of hers who is a massage therapist/doula was trying to secure. Said friend was looking for other like-minded women in the pregnancy/women's health arena to rent the space with her and conceive a Resource Center for women. um, ok.

so, yes, I am putting in money we could be using elsewhere. But I have been given in exchange time, and space, and inspriation. these things are fairly priceless.

I should not be surprised that things are working out this way. Indeed, I often feel that this is the way my life goes. I feel the tug. I listen. I follow. What I Need materializes.

Some people will say that these are coincidences. Or, that life is just like that- there is nothing special about it. I don't believe that. Rather, I choose not to believe that. I think it is special. I think it is extraoridinary when I listen to myself, act on what I hear, and lo and behold find some measure of success with my endeavor. I could call it Faith, but that is so overused. I prefer to choose this line of trust and acknowledge that yes, I could be wrong. It could all be coincidence, and had I chosen a different set of actions I might be raving about how well those are coming together too. But, you know what? this is more fun. I choose to believe in a life that is special- not that I am special, but that my decisions are not pure chance. That in fact, I am listening to something deeper and because I am heeding that, the path is graceful. Looking at life the other way (all coincidence) is, in a word, boring. Who the hell wants to live like that? Life is so much more magical when I say, 'yes, of course it is happening this way.' not, 'huh. that's interesting.'

We have a good friend/mentor who runs classes that often intersect with people's spiritual beliefs. He has lived an extraordinary life, full of the kinds of guidance i am describing. He speaks of things that I have never seen or experienced. Many non-believers challenge him on the validity and proof behind what he shares with them. Argument is not his response. He simply says, "I just know." There is no way to convince or describe to someone how you recognize things that are "unexplainable" or "just coincidences." You just know. And when they open themselves to it, they will know too.

I'm not a New Age nut. In fact, I hate New Age, and this presents a problem, because I would have a receptive audience with them. This is not about la-la bullshit. It's more about gratitude. It's about seeing the road of skeptic and cynic and turning the other way.
It's about risking other people thinking you are a stupid fool and not saying anything. There's no need to, because I know.